supi's blog

oh look, an obligatory end of the year post! truthfully, part of the reason im writing this cause i wanna put something new up on here, though theres more to it than that. i wrote the last blog post when i was pretty much done with a bunch of work and ready to keep expanding on my ideas for this site, and then the work started up again and i couldnt find any time to add onto this site, compounded by a couple weeks where i barely had any motivation to do anything productive. but the semesters over now, and i have a sudden jolt of energy to create, so here we are. i have a feeling that new stuff on here is gonna come and go in waves as long as im in school.

i have had a long standing tendency to leave personal projects unfinished, and that goes for just about anything. earlier today i was looking through my notes app and found a list of screenplay ideas that i was planning on writing, only one of which i ever really tried fleshing out, and now im not really that interested in screenwriting at all. when i came up with the idea to make a website, i promised myself that this wouldnt be like those. even if it has to go dormant for a while, or if i drop it after a few years, i wanna get it to a completed state. luckily i still remember most of what i learned about html and css.

ive been reflecting a lot on how much in my life has changed this year. i started hrt, came out to my immediate family, realized i was asexual and maybe grayromantic (still not too sure), pivoted away from screenwriting/directing to sound design, focused more on making electronic music, took a leadership position in my acapella group, got a little more involved in the doom community, and of course started this website. ive often thought that i completely changed myself sometime around senior year of high school, to the point that whoever existed before then seems totally separate from me. this year feels like a similar point of separation. i feel so much more self-realized, like i have a purpose that im confident in. and stemming from that, i generally feel more motivated.

as part of that, ive really been focusing more on music, and by that i mean actually completing music instead of just coming up with new ideas and doing nothing with them. and now i finished a song! probably. i still need to do some final mixing checks cause ive only heard it on headphones and shitty phone speakers, but hopefully itll be up within the next few days, which i will be posting on here. i think that makes this the first song i release publicly, unless you count the ambient piece for that interrogation short i made. so ill need to figure out how i can host it here (probably through soundcloud). i have more stuff ill be working through but right now im taking a tiny break, cause ive spent waaaay too much of the past week on fl studio.

going back to the confidence thing, i think thats part of why i made this in the first place. i used to be so mortified of putting myself out there in any context, especially online, i guess because of a lack of self-worth and feeling like i didnt have anything to add. i think im still working past that, but now i have this little corner of the internet thats all mine, and because it doesnt feel like im intruding on anything, i can put as much of myself on here as i feel like. its freeing. so fuck it, ill put anything i want on here, cause even if nobody comes across it, the fact that its here in the first place feels important to me.

ok, one final thing. i dont wanna end on a downer (and im going to try to avoid that) but since i can use this platform for whatever, i wanna talk about hrt. its been such a positive impact on my life in a way that i frankly didnt think would be possible, and ive been hyping this up to myself for like half a decade. i could go through all the effects and how happy they made me feel, but theres only one effect that really matters. since starting hrt, i just feel more alive. theres no other way to describe it, i just feel more groudned in reality in a way i havent felt in so, so long. and its not like i was completely dysfunctional before, but every little thing in life feels a bit sweeter, and everything i do feels a little more meaningful.

that being said, my trans joy is completely counter to literally everything going on with regards to trans people in the united states right now. im not gonna sugar coat it, im scared. were all scared. literally every time i wake up i have to wonder whether ill be falling asleep tonight with the same rights i started the day with, and i dont even want to think about it, but i guess its some sadistic self-preservation instinct. going through gender transition is hard no matter what, but transitioning right now can feel truly terrifying. and so far, i wouldnt have changed a thing.

i wish i could give advice to trans people, particularly closeted ones, but unfortunately so much of it is dependent on a person's environment. i will say this. even if you feel you cant come out, there are still things you can do to live a little more like how youd want to live. even if its just getting some second hand clothes from some friends or finding support online with other queer people, these tiny things matter, and they will help get you through this rough patch. and cis people, listen up!!! i assume that if youve read this far you consider yourself an ally, but if you arent openly, loudly speaking out against the attack on trans people right now, your allyship doesnt really amount to much. if you think your words wont change the political situation, or nobody who hears you will be persuaded, even if its true, it doesnt have to be the point of your outspoken support. sometimes, it can feel like nobodys on our side, like trans people only have each other. every time you say or post something in support of trans rights, it means a lot to us, or at least it does to me. even hearing a few words of support makes a huge difference.